MY IMMORTAL: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

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Re: MY IMMORTAL: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

Postby Momo (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:48 pm

This story is like an incompetence onion.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 3:04 pm

Honestly, I think My Inner Life is a worse story, because though it's more competent in every technical category it's just so boring.

Lemme chart it out for you:

Jenna meets Link. Jenna dates Link. Link and Jenna fuck. Link proposes to Jenna. They fuck. They get wed in a ceremony everyone is literally required to attend. They fuck. They fuck. They fuck. Jenna gets pregnant. They fuck. They drink each other's piss then fuck. Link goes to war but we see exactly none of it and comes back perfectly fine. They fuck. Jenna gives birth and the child is named in a ceremony everyone is literally required to attend. They fuck.

Then finally, an antagonist shows up as they face a revived Dark Link in the Water Temple, though apparently his AI's been improved since OoT and he's no longer a reactive mirror match but wants to rape Link's wife. Jenna obtains new weapons & powers arbitrarily and kills Dark Link. They fuck. Then they find a griffon and are introduced to a new conflict just so Jenna can save the day again when Link gets his ass kicked again. They fuck. Author forgets to update the story ever again.

Notice just how much of that is Link and Jenna in some sort of romantic pastoral existence of constant sex. That doesn't make for a good story, taking over 2/3 of its length to introduce any sort of negative force in their life that isn't instantly glossed over or a midwife shrieking about birth complications.
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 3:27 pm

Momo wrote:I think she believes that it's sexually transmitted. Since she's HAD SEX with Draco that would make her bi too.

At least that's the only moderately plausible explanation I can come up with.


yeah, i'd buy that
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 3:29 pm

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:
I think she understands it on a conceptual level, as in a dude can get boners from sexy babes or from sexy dudes, but it seems to exclusively manifest as "hot guys who want to fuck the same hunks I do, but aren't unavailable to me" as she fetishizes them.

Or maybe Joel Madden and Gerard Way are just that hot.


Yeah, i get that she sees it as such. But why did she feel the need to include that her self insert is bi. That's what confuses me.

Which is why I think Momo might be on to something.
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Postby Caldera (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 3:39 pm

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:Honestly, I think My Inner Life is a worse story, because though it's more competent in every technical category it's just so boring.

Pretty much. Manwithoutabody is the only reason why I found that entertaining.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 3:39 pm

legolas by laura is another classic of bad fanfiction and it's really short so you could just take 5 minutes to read it oneself.

Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.
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Postby Aramek (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 3:42 pm

I just clicked this thread for the first time thinking it was gonna be about Orkz.

It wuz not.

Derez no Orkz inz here.
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Postby Frosthawk (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:15 pm

If I could vote 5 in only one thread in all of PPPP it would be this one
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:17 pm

Frosthawk wrote:If I could vote 5 in only one thread in all of PPPP it would be this one


*checks again if we can vote on threads*

...

...

:fluttersmith:
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Postby londonarbuckle (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:17 pm

Frosthawk wrote:If I could vote 5 in only one thread in all of PPPP it would be this one


thanx 4 not bein a prep!!!!!!!!!
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:21 pm

frothok is totally goff
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Postby Dexanth (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:33 pm

I have a hard time believing My Immortal is anything but parody. The badness is so ...bad...as I have trouble believing it is not intentional.

Then again I've seen some terribly done shit on fimfic, so :pinkieshrug:
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:40 pm

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I wonder when someone will notice the blue value's been incremented by one with each subsequent header.

With chapter 9 we are introduced to the greatest evil wizard in the world, and he bothers teenangers to do his work for him out of petty spite.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok


I don't know if this means just the first movie or the movie series. This is a very strange circumstance indeed.

so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!


Does Dumbledore call someone a motherfucker in the films? I oughtta watch them if he does.

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!


You know, I figured Harry being the child of the woman he loved and the man he hated, and a constant reminder that she's dead partly because he (Snape) eavesdropped and blabbed, that'd be enough reason to not like the lad - Lily married another man and now she's dead and it's all your fault she's dead, Snape. Here's this lad whose very existence reminds you of all of this, Snape.

But no Snape swears fealty to Christ and thus passive-aggressively bullies a child. Being an actual wizard teaching other wizards and witches how to magic is not very christlike, and Snape's resume gets worse.

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“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

This is also the first instance of the Snap typo. He's called Snape so rarely I should just start calling him Snap.

MCR ROX!


This is the least unusual part of the author's note honestly. It's strangely comprehensive in its responses to criticism. Was there a break between 8 and 9? Did she write this chapter earlier and get back to it later?

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.


That tree, that tree's seen some things man. He's seen you-know-whats too.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic.


Can you tell who it is lemme reveal the secret...

It was…… Voldemort!


That's who it is, Voldemort. Dark wizard, evil wizard, powerful wizard. He's a lich, body and soul twisted by experiments in undeath. The big bad guy of Harry Potter. An amoral sorcerer who set the story moving either through direct action or from side effects of his dark magic.

Here he's gonna pester Ebony.

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.


Imperius is one of the three Unforgivable Curses, foul magic born of hatred. Imperius specifically is a mind control spell, though Tara seems to think it's a paralysis one. Later characters will use mind control and it will be mysteriously and vaguely explained.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.


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"He's the most intelligent of his kind I've ever met."

Crookshanks is B'loody Mary (Hermoine)'s pet cat. He must be very, very upset.

Tara was going for Cruciatus, another unforgivable curse that inflicts incredible physical agony. She mixed it up with a cat. Though, frankly, piss off the wrong cat and it can inflict incredible physical agony, yeah.

B'loody Mary might want him back though.

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”


MAKE SENSE: Voldemort wants Harry dead.

NOT MAKE SENSE: Why Voldemort is using his alias.

NO SENSE AT ALL: Voldemort speaks in an antiquated style, as you can tell by the "thou" there. He's from the 1930s for fuck's sake.

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.


Well I'm glad that understanding was resolved here when an evil wizard is really upset at you and not in a situation involving either man directly.

Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.


I guess Voldemort learned from the time he tried to magic an infant to death and got owned in the process and decided if Potter is to die, might as well bust a cap in his ass.

Maybe it's a sniper rifle and Ebony's going to pick him off from the clock tower.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”


This should motivate her to do something. Doing things is not Ebony's specialty. Voldemort is also very lenient with the deadline too considering how easy it would be to bump off a few horny simpletons.

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.


The dude-ur-so-retarded look is a nonverbal sick burn. There's a comic adaptation that ended right at chapter 11, and from its interpretation of this line came the second image in the OP.

Telekinesis, well, I'll not patronize you.

“And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.


ugh goddammit i just try to tell this lady to shoot that fucker harry and she flings a cat at me and acts like a moron ugh now my day is just ruined i am so upset right now fuck

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. “Are you okay?” I asked.


Draco (I believe he's not naked anymore since there's a he was wearing in there) is so sexy that he can only be adequately described as the fusion of two sexy men. Satanism, apparently, is expressed entirely in wordplay.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.  


At least they weren't naked this time.

I think.

I hope.

I was wearing & kin: 9
Kissin' adverbs: keenly; passively
Fucks attempted: 2
Fucks failed: 2
Unforgivable Curses: 2
Sicknasty burns: ludacris fools; mediocre dunces; ridiculous nitwits; stupid preppy fucker; dude-ur-so-retarded look
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:56 pm

This is what the author is probably going off, also might be useful for people who haven't seen the movies or read the books.
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Postby SlateSlabrock (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 7:01 pm

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.

How about the power... to move you?

I'm convinced this is a troll fic now.
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Postby kidcoelacanth (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 7:09 pm

This is the second time that Draco came in the woods
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Postby Rainbow Brite (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 10:27 pm

I still can't figure out how genuine this fanfic is because as others have pointed out, it's so layered in its stupidity it's hard to believe it was all a beautiful, stupid accident. On the other hand, it's so layered in its stupidity that it's just as difficult to believe it was all orchestrated.
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 10:28 pm

I think Tara is legit and that Raven threw in some troll edits.
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 10:28 pm

Rainbow Brite wrote:I still can't figure out how genuine this fanfic is because as others have pointed out, it's so layered in its stupidity it's hard to believe it was all a beautiful, stupid accident. On the other hand, it's so layered in its stupidity that it's just as difficult to believe it was all orchestrated.


yeah this
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Postby SlateSlabrock (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 10:48 pm

The angsty teen goth phase, the awful characterization, the obliviousness to how people interact and how sex works... all of that I could buy as a dumb kid writing a half-assed, self-serving fantasy of a fanfic.

But I'm not sure I can believe that someone would watch the Harry Potter movies, be enough of a fan of them to write this story, and consistently get every miniscule detail about them so perfectly wrong.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 11:44 pm

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Chapters 1-9 are really bad but besides the ending to 4 they aren't outlandish. But now we're entering Phase Two, where now that the major plot points are established they'll fire off randomly. It's here that the prose begins to disintegrate. You see how it is now? Here it is in chapter 38:

“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.

“Fuk u!11” I said.


I'd divide it into roughly Five Phases:

1) Opening
2) Descent into Madness
3) Descent into Incomprehensibility
4) Adventures in Tim
5) Abjectly Insane Conclusion

Buckle in, it's gonna get rough.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!


I mentioned off-hand Tara using homophobic slurs. There they are. She has several bi main characters and later calls out homophobes. I am so confused.

ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!


No it's ambition and cleverness, like Harry isn't evil but he fit in Slytherin because he wasn't willing to let rules get in the way of what needed done, just that he did good things.

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.


Well no shit lady

I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.


Oh god this is a brick to the face. Bloody Gothic Rose 666 basically amounts to nothing but oh my god why is it here.

Slipknot is a bad group of dumb idiots who make music that appeal 13-year-old kids who don't know their shit. Of course the band sounds like them.
IT SOUNBDS LEIK SHAT

The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid.


TOO MUCH IS HAPPENING AT ONCE THE MAELSTROM IS STRICKING

This band must be new or at least recruited recently because Ebony met Vampire yesterday (I think (the passage of time is really vague in here)).

And Ron, the third main character, is now goffik too, for uh reasons. He's Diabolo. Not Diablo. Dia. Bolo. He's mostly irrelevant but gets to do one or two things.

Hagrid is...

Image
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily.

Hagrid is not a Hogwarts student. He graduated 60 years ago. He's an 80-year-old half-giant. He's the groundskeeper and the Care of Magical Creatures professor.

Here he's aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead.


Vampy and Dracy aren't there, but that other part will be contradicted immediately.

I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists


I know I said I wouldn't dwell on these but this one matters a bit more because she's doing something with this.

(he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak)


Don't look up and don't look at that description of the sound of Bloody Gothic Rose 666. Please don't.

Also this steak typo is constant. Cuts of meat are real dangerous to vampires.

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.


I have no idea if Corpse Bride actually is depressing but Tim Burton isn't depressing in general, but like Nightmare Before Christmas it must be that sort of cutesy-dead aesthetic.

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.


I asked yarma and he called Simple Plan "if midwestern emo had little effort".

I think I can let the rest speak for itself.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.


Just writing songs.

Helena is the first track and first single to MCR's Three Cheers to Sweet Revenge just fyi.

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.


This random application of punctuation is rather maddening too. Fuck.

She's upset that someone ever dated her boyfriend. Harsh lady. Why are you calling him Harry? What?

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.


There's just a chest-high wall there I guess for the cover shooter segment, where he had been hiding.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)


Well let's go piece by piece:

fucking


Well this is something that never happened in the canon media but then again it never went for such harsh swearing so maybe, since Draco's really upset.

poser


yeah it kinda is

muggle


This is the least-off part but it seems kinda forced to be in the middle there.

bitch


Same as the first.

So you got 1 no and 3 ehs.

Kinda out of character.

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.


;-;

he's sensitive because he's yelled at his gf until she cried because she was crying because she hid that goddamn voldemort wanted her to kill his ex.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.


YOUR SOUND IS GODAWFUL YOU MOTHERFUKERS

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)


For some of these I just want to post walls of question marks. We're on chapter 10 of 44. I won't make it. Send my cat my regards.

And tell yarma too I guess.

So uh wisely is the weirdest adverb ever to apply to crying. The author's note is trying to explain this makes perfect sense because of this coming up:

“Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”


So uh apparently that thing about vampires only dying to crosses and steaks?

Ahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


aaaaa

rip draco

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DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY
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you fucking poser muggle bitch! - Draco
Last edited by Orange Fluffy Sheep on Wed Sep 23, 2015 11:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 11:53 pm

SO LONG

AND GOOD NIIIGHT
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Postby VoidChicken (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 11:57 pm

i've only seen corpse bride once and it was a while ago, but i'm pretty sure i wouldn't call it "depressing"
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 12:03 am

well, that just happened
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Postby Rainbow Brite (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 12:11 am

So what are the chances that Draco gets resurrected next chapter
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 1:27 am

*considers chapter 11*

*considers having to comprehend & explain chapter 11*

augh
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 1:29 am

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:*considers chapter 11*

*considers having to comprehend & explain chapter 11*

augh


oh boy
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Postby kidcoelacanth (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 1:43 am

Cry Wisely is my new band name
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Postby Rainbow Brite (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 1:51 am

Mods please change OFS's name to "The Fanfic Whisperer"
Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:It reminds me of the paragon of western romantic literature, Grease.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 2:08 am

Rainbow Brite wrote:Mods please change OFS's name to "The Fanfic Whisperer"


kidcoelacanth wrote:Cry Wisely is my new band name


What's with you mediocre dunces and names before the extremely good ones?
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Postby Chaos Sonic (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 2:15 am

In West Fillydelphia wrote:Joel Madden, pictured second from the Right, with his tattooed arms crossed in a "Rest in Peace" pose

Image

To answer your question: yes.

the dude in the middle looks like emo peter parker from spider-man 3
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Postby Chaos Sonic (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 2:49 am

In West Fillydelphia wrote:I think Tara is legit and that Raven threw in some troll edits.

except it continues like this, and even grows worse, once Raven leaves
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Postby Frosthawk (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:18 am

I hate that I know all of these musical references

I also hate that I still like some Slipknot tracks


RIP me basically
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Postby Pocket (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:58 am

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:I asked yarma and he called Simple Plan "if midwestern emo had little effort".

Simple Plan is probably the one band mentioned this whole thread that I can almost guarantee you've all heard at some point in your lives. If the name doesn't ring a bell, maybe this will:

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEE :gonkity:
I MADE MY MISTAAAAAAKE
GOT NOWHERE TO RUUUUUUUUN
THE NIGHT GOES ON AS I'M FADING AWAAAAAAY

It's pretty much the Hilariously Wangsty Emo Song. One might even say it's the My Immortal of emo songs, which is rather ironic.
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Postby Lorce (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 7:32 am

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Postby Caldera (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 10:35 am

Pocket wrote:
It's pretty much the Hilariously Wangsty Emo Song. One might even say it's the My Immortal of emo songs, which is rather ironic.

Probably, though I'd say "CRAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIN, THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL" is a contender too. (Well, ok it's more on the edgy side) :v: Not that I know who wrote that
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 1:48 pm

Caldera wrote:Probably, though I'd say "CRAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIN, THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL" is a contender too. (Well, ok it's more on the edgy side) :v: Not that I know who wrote that


It's Linkin Park. This is relevant as Linkin Park is mentioned next chapter.

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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 1:50 pm

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:
It's Linkin Park. This is relevant as Linkin Park is mentioned next chapter.


of course
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Postby Dexanth (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 1:59 pm

there is no way this is anything but magnificent troll now. There is a depth of skill to the prose at times that makes it impossible for me to believe it is accidental badness
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Postby Frosthawk (?) » Thu Sep 24, 2015 2:04 pm

I actually find Linkin Park to be significantly less annoying than Simple Plan. Simple Plan is basically what a parody of an emo band sounds like, where Linkin Park is basically a streamlined nu-metal at their core (or at least they were in the days they're best known for).

As a disclaimer, I enjoy some select emo groups.
Last edited by Frosthawk on Thu Sep 24, 2015 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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