MY IMMORTAL: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

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Re: MY IMMORTAL: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

Postby W.T. Fits (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 7:02 am

I can't read any of Sheep's posts in this thread. Every time my eyes pass over actual quotes from the work in question, my brain starts hurting from attempting to parse those failed attempt at English.

I would feel less discomfort from stabbing myself through the eye with an ice pick.
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Postby W.T. Fits (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 7:03 am

In fact, I'd give good odds that actually attempting to read the fanfic itself would kill me. Like that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, where those guys' faces melted because they looked instead of closing their eyes like Indy and that chick he was tied up with.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 2:28 pm

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AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!


"The only reason Dumbledore swore is because he had a headache, ok? And on top of that, he was mad at them for having sex!"

Thus begins the long, long saga of us being continually informed if Dumbledore has a migraine at the moment or not, as though if throughout his next dozen or so appearances him acting completely different and Ebony noting he doesn't have a headache makes it better.

Frankly I'd just roll with WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS because I have invariably improved upon the original.

PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!


Classic ploy, there. Make your haters your fans by making them sing praise until you decide to grace them with more content.

Once again I've had no access to the original upload or its review section (basically like youtube comments) so I don't know if they actually met her demands, or if she updated anyway.

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.



Click for Fullsize

We have a motto – we don't give a fuck.

All of this is [sic] by the way. It'll be more obvious as the body text starts to resemble the author's notes after Raven leaves, and when both become worse.

Typo aside, ludicrous fools is another pretty good burn. This story actually has a lot of hardcore owns.

Ludacris is there because otherwise I really wouldn't have an image to put in here, and if I go one update without an image with caption then the pharaoh's curse will sap my vitality.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me.


I hope crying blood is a vampire thing, because if that happens irl then that person has urgent medical issues. It's called Haemolacria apparently.

When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.


Okay so I'm taking the time to briefly introduce the characters as they are in the books so you can understand just how fucked up their rendering here is.

Minerva McGonagall is basically the #2 person in Hogwarts, right behind Dumbledore himself. She's a severe and austere woman and master of magic. Because she has no tolerance for petty stupid bullshit,

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.


Her My Immortal rendering starts off very accurate as she is extremely disappointed and upset with these morons. Mediocre dunces is good burn #2.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.


In canon, Snape is a complex character, to say the least, and until the last moment no one knows who's side he's really on but him. In this story though, Snape is just flat-out no-fluff Bad Guy and keeps picking up more and more traits of things Ebony doesn't like until he is again complex, but in the number of layers of dumb shit this time.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”


"Whatever, this is fucked up, I give up, go away."

Ebony and Draco get away with a lot more shit than they should for poorly explored reasons. What if Dumbledore found out they had hard drugs in Draco's car? Would he just burn them again and let them go? Is it Draco's family's influence? Is it just because Ebony getting in trouble would slow down the story?

Or is it even dumber, that Draco's love is so pure and troo that they can't help but be moved?

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.


Well she was still in her GC concert get-up, I think. Are we keeping count of outfit descriptions? Should I? I can. This is the 6th.

When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


I Just Wanna Live is another song off of Chronicles. The album has an aggregate 53% on Metacritic. Just felt like bringing that up, make of it what you will.

This is one of those overblown declarations of longing I mentioned. I guess we can skim over the boring parts of their relationship as part of conservation of detail, but that just reduces the relationship to expository dialogue and Draco pouring his soul out.

And he trespasses into the girl's dorm to sing a near-three-minute song. Because of course. That's what you do when you're in love, is sneak out in front of her bathroom and sing songs from mediocre dunce albums.
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 3:09 pm

I remember being 13. "I have a headache" was something people, myself included, would say in a very unique situation. It's a situation I can't easily describe, but I'm wondering if anyone else remembers those "I have a headache" moments?
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Postby !saak (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 4:33 pm

this is such an experience omigod
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:35 pm

!saak wrote:this is such an experience omigod


We're only like about 9% of the way through the text by the way. That was chapter 5 of 44, and a lot of these are like 2/3 the length of later chapters.
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:46 pm

so, do we ever find out why her prereader left?
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:47 pm

Captain Sunshine wrote:so, do we ever find out why her prereader left?


Do you need to question why? :v:
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:52 pm

Captain Sunshine wrote:so, do we ever find out why her prereader left?


Yes.

Extensively.

It's beautiful.
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:52 pm

In West Fillydelphia wrote:
Do you need to question why? :v:


good point
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:53 pm

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:
Yes.

Extensively.

It's beautiful.


can't wait
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Postby !saak (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:10 pm

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:
We're only like about 9% of the way through the text by the way. That was chapter 5 of 44, and a lot of these are like 2/3 the length of later chapters.

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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:34 pm

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Finally, after Ebony and Draco went all the way two chapters ago, we meet the other part of the love triangle.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!


Author's note is more of the same this time. "Stop flaming; give me good reviews" more or less.

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.


Outfit #7. People with hair: can you spraypaint hair without it being dumb?

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.


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I want to ear your cereal!

Fuck you Enoby getting to have Count Chocula. Yeah we get it you're a vampire you consume blood I want some goddamn Count Chocula

Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily.


Now it looks like a crime scene. God, so much blood. Now you can't see the red skulls because it's all red! Bastard!

I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin.


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his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

I... maybe it's just not my thing.

This is apparently Ebony's first meeting with Harry, despite apparently having attended Hogwarts all the same years he did where, he, uh, was kind of a big deal. The fact he no longer wears glasses and doesn't have his forehead scar are mentioned purely for the audience's benefit. He's also in Slytherin now too, because.

He had a sexy English accent.


Hogwarts is in Scotland and is the hub of wizardry in all of Great Britain. Draco has an English accent, as do Snape and Dumbledore. Hell, Ebony probably does too. He does have an English accent relative to the American native Tara, however.

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.


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“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung

...Maybe this with entirely too much eyeliner is what she had in mind?

Incidentally there's no outfit #8 this chapter, because Harry's appearance below the neck is not described. It's odd.

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.


Wow um fuck you too lady if you're gonna describe getting turned on then what the fuck did you expect to happen

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.


And our first actual name change. There's two categories: characters adopting alias to be more gothic, and Tara can't fucking spell. This is the first. For the rest of the story everyone, even the bad guys, will call him Vampire.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.


Maybe it is acutally piss-easy to obtain human blood in this alterna-Hogwarts.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.


Someone must've told Tara about the "invisible said" concept and she decided she wanted her verbs to be visible as shit. exlaimed/giggled/confessed/whimpered/roared. It's a roller coaster of connotation. And then she never does it again.

It's this exchange that makes me believe Vampire isn't a vampire. In a story where the three principle characters are Ebony, Draco, and Vampire, the ones not named Vampire are vampires. Since Ebony and Draco being vampires didn't matter, Vampire not being a vampire certainly won't.

I'll try to keep the capitalization consistent so you know big-V Vampire is Harry under alias for dubious reasons, and little-v vampire is the species of draculas. Big-V Vampire going by that name at least makes it easier to refer to the fictional universe and not the character, like so: vampires are apparently a thing in Harry Potter but Rowling intentionally didn't use them much.

Just an aside, that meek, abrupt confession about being a vampire reminds of the way my Skyrim characters could bring it up rather casually sometimes. "But, Harkon, and everyone in this big-ass feasting hall happening to listen, I'm a werewolf, something otherwise only known by like 4 people. Please don't gossip about it."

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


Considering later revelations, Draco finding Ebony talking to Vampire should be a much bigger deal than literally nothing happening. It probably would've saved them grief if they just all chatted.

Anyway, Ebony was being called a Mary Sue even before she had sex with Draco, and now the main protagonist of the series and Draco's arch-nemesis is also a goffik dude wanting to sleep with her. It's only going to get worse. So, so much worse.
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:43 pm

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:
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“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung

...Maybe this with entirely too much eyeliner is what she had in mind?


Joel Madden, pictured second from the Right, with his tattooed arms crossed in a "Rest in Peace" pose

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To answer your question: yes.
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Postby londonarbuckle (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:46 pm

The only thing I remember about Good Charlotte is "Little Things." I don't think I ever knew they became emo darlings.
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:54 pm

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.


this line

just
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:55 pm

Captain Sunshine wrote:
this line

just



Yeah I also

just

how the fuck do I the reader even respond to this
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 7:00 pm

what I like is that the writer is actually paving new territory with this story. Most other crappy fanfictions would have just said about her nipples or something, but this one said that.

I enjoy this. It's funny.
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Postby Nick Onimura (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 10:04 pm

No matter how many times I read this story, it never gets old.

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:If your squeamish about sex, then you should not read this, since this story is a REAL LEMON and there is a lot of that, heavily detailed.


I can't decide if a giant angry rant about immaturity in ALL CAPS at the beginning would make this better or not.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 10:26 pm

Nick Onimura wrote:No matter how many times I read this story, it never gets old.



I can't decide if a giant angry rant about immaturity in ALL CAPS at the beginning would make this better or not.


Well she is right, we should conductive ourselves like adults instead of teenangers.
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Postby ToastGhost (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:32 pm

We really ruined OFS's sanity when we made him King of Fanfics, didn't we?
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:50 pm

my immortal and I go way back mtoherf&cker
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Postby W.T. Fits (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:58 pm

ToastGhost wrote:We really ruined OFS's sanity when we made him King of Fanfics, didn't we?


Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:my immortal and I go way back mtoherf&cker


So it's actually the other way around - him having survived My Immortal is why he was the perfect choice for the King of Fanfics here.
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Postby Perrydotto (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2015 12:50 am

FYI spraypainting hair pretty much never works out, it damages your ends and makes everything sticky

Apparently there are good quality paint sprays but in my experience, it's a lot of trouble for little gain

Paint-on colors that get out after one wash or clip-on extensions are better IMO

In even the best cases though you can't just spray your whole hair a different color, unless you want a hair helmet that feels like total shit on your head
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Postby Momo (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2015 3:37 am

Not to mention stains on your hot pink coffin liner.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2015 3:49 pm

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Chapter 7 is a normal part of a love triangle story: after having introduced the romantic rival, Ebony and Draco will have sex again. All before Vampire even gets to hold her hand.

At least conflict happens.

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!


Having finally hit her quota of 5 reviews, Tara immediately demands 10 more.

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!


AFAIK about circa 2006 fanfiction.net, author's couldn't actually delete reviews, so Tara's only recourse was to threaten calling moderation action. Perhaps this highly insulting comment section was why the story was finally removed from the site?

Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!


Tara's finally grasped what "Mary Sue" means and defends her character from the "perfection" angle. It's telling that, despite all the protagonists being Satanists and the only religious affiliation stated for one of the antagonists is one is a Christian, Tara lists being a Satanist as a negative trait.

The depression might be but uh I'm not going to get into armchair psychology here.

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They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.

Ebony is a Mary Sue much more clearly in the "distortion" angle, where aspects of the canon work start to bend towards her. You can see it already with Draco's extreme affection, Vampire becoming so extremely goff he's called Vampire now and moving to Slytherin, getting away with trespassing and fucking without so much as a slap on the wrist, soon you'll see all sorts of weird bullshit happening, all centered around Ebony. She'll even become instrumental in Voldemort's plans for fuck's sake.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX


Oh, Tara's been using a bunch of X's with a 666 in there as a line break from author's notes to body for the entire story, except this time she messed up and there's a Z in there.

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).


Mary Su, Marie Sue, Maru Sue, she's spelling it every way but the right one. Tara becomes fixated on this Mary Sue accusation, and will do everything normally and the story remains much the same but there'll be sassy author's notes next to some of it.

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco.


That's some ambiguous sentence structure in the middle there, there. Did Draco just not notice Vampire there at all or something?

We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.


Last chapter ended with Draco saying he had a surprise, was it sex? After taking a girl in your flying car and sharing your pcp, just going straight to porkin' seems rather lame. Maybe it's because the door's locked so Dumbledore won't barge in.

Fun words for kissing #2. Eh, whatever, jamming our tongues wherever, don't care. Gettin' naked, now that's what's a fun time.

I imagine you know where this is going.

We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)


...

...

Now the story's asking me to make fun of it. I want to shutter this fucking operation and burn it down. Like, somehow, the implication that Ebony has a boy's thingy is the second dumbest thing in this line. Third; why is it in caps? Christ when I was only just starting this fucking thing the boy's thingy line is always what jumped out the most, but now that I am older, wiser, and dumber I can appreciate the finer qualities of the capital letters, the author's note, the whole package (not Ebony's) is such a wonderful tapestry.

So, yes, dat is stupid.

[...]when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm.


To be fair the only other time Draco's had his shirt off near her, they were in a dark forest at night and drunk and high.

It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!


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“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car.

...words?

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.


Okay so Draco has another boy's name tattooed on his arm. Alternatively he's just really hyped about him and his gf being nosferatu.

There's a lot of questions I have to ask about the logistics but this story is suddenly moving very fast and I'm not used to it. It must be this "kahn flicked" thing that people tell me is an instrumental part of a story.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”


Tara has a very strange understanding of homosexuality. Things like this and later in the author notes calling the flamers slurs, she seems as homophobic as any red-blooded American middle-schooler. But she finds gay and bi dudes attractive, so she's fine with male homosexuality as long as it does not close off relationships with her, I guess?

Non-straight women are just not even considered.

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked.


Skirt-havers: could you put on your underwear and mini-skirt and matching blood-soaked top fast enough that Draco wouldn't even have time to cover his ding-a-ling?

He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.


I wasn't kidding about the ding-a-ling.

Christ that's a tagline right there.

Is there no better place where one could deliver this information than after the second attempt at sex failed? I should also keep a tally of how many times these characters fail to have sex for something stupid happening, to match weird kissing adverbs and outfit descriptions?

I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.  


You know, despite the fact that Snape is a villain in this and a pretty fucked-up one at that, I can't help but feel like they drove him to evil.

Let's tally shit at the ends now for reasons.

I was wearing & kin: 8
Kissin' adverbs: keenly; passively
Fucks attempted: 2
Fucks failed: 2
Unforgivable Curses: 0
Sicknasty burns: ludacris fools; mediocre dunces
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2015 4:08 pm

I love how the triangle is whole on all sides.
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2015 4:09 pm

this just gets better and better
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Postby RudeCyrus (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2015 4:31 pm

Everyone's so goth they shit bats.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2015 6:05 pm

Oh shit I completely forgot, Chapter 7 for some really stupid reason has a subtitle: Bring me 2 life.

It's another Evanescense song.

7, 19, 27, and 35, 39, 40, and 42 have subtitles. I do not know why.
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Postby Pocket (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2015 7:57 pm

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:the implication that Ebony has a boy's thingy

One that another one will fit inside, no less. What is she, a hyena?
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Postby Angel Beat (?) » Tue Sep 22, 2015 8:13 pm

SATANITS

I must admit, I thought this said Satantits, so I was very confused. :starity:
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:26 am

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You know, Chapter 4 ended with Draco naked and someone barging in to call someone a motherfucker. You'd think Draco would become celibate at this rate.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!


This is rather understated compared to her recent ranting, but I wonder how she hit s instead of m when they are so, so far away from each other on the keyboard.

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly.


Before now, exactly four people had seen Draco naked. Now, an entire classroom. It's one thing to say love makes one crazy, it's another for a person as interested in social advancement as Draco not not even put on some pants.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.


"Oh, you know, those boys, not putting on pants and defending their gay trysts. Shit happens."

Guess B'loody Mary's deal, like who she is, and compare your results to what actually happens in a bit.

I have no idea how B'loody is supposed to be pronounced. Buh-luddy, with an awkward pause? Just straight up "bloody"?

She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.


"She looks an alarmingly lot like me, and everyone else I know, apparently."

Okay here's the big reveal of B'loody Mary's deal:

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )


Not just Harry gets hit with the gothic raygun. One of Hermoine's TRUE parents being a witch (her mom I guess) ruins a large portion of her character, that this girl born to dentists and not a famous wizard clan can through incredible effort become a master of magic. It directly flies in the face of Draco's racism which is the point because he's an antagonist.

But now she's a witch by blood and some sexy gothic babe like Ebony and Willow. Throw it all out the window. I have to wonder if Tara agrees with Draco's argument about blood purity in magicians, and if it's either out of ignorance of their allegorical nature, or if it's just blind worship of the guy.

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.


Ridiculous dimwit is sick burn #3. Snape's now tied with Dumbledore. Snape has very good reason to be annoyed with these turds: Draco's not only fuckin' in the woods but he's waving his ding-dong in the middle of the school. "Christ, why did I even show these shits a little mercy" he's probably thinking.

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.


The people are oddly concerned with the love lives of Ebony et. al. I guess Harry is kinda famous, but I don't think if he's making out with Cho or with Ginny or with Draco or with Ebony should be on the forefront of their minds as much as Draco is right there and he's naked goddamn

I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)


This paragraph, and no other, is in Draco's perspective. I don't know why. I just don't know. There's so much wrong here. Lemme break it down a little more.

I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart.


Draco is bi, yeah, sure. Ebony never shows the slightest inclination towards another woman.

He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.


Britney is probably named after Britney Spears, the pop star. It'd be a real stretch to even call her first album bubblegum, and Spears had always drifted towards an, for lack of a better word, edgier sound with each subsequent album, and by 2006 she already had released her singles I'm a Slave 4 U and Toxic years ago and was in the middle of a rocky personal life. I guess Tara did not give a shit and has only seen this picture:

Image
“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” said Britney, a fucking prep.

If the caption didn't clue you in, Britney occurs later in the story, as the sole named prep and the sole Griffondor student, for when stupid preppy fuckers ruining the situation needs a face.

Stupid preppy fucker is good burn #4.

We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)


But you got a tattoo with his name on it even before he dumped you for a prep. Uh.

Timeframes confuse me. Thank fuck this story involves time travel just to make it worse.

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed.


Like Vampire isn't even denying it, he just wants to clarify they're no longer an item. This all could've been avoided if somehow either of them spoke up.

...Is Ebony's top still blood-soaked?

I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.


Huh. Maybe she does actually have a boy's thingy, as, like, a vestigial thing.

I was wearing & kin: 8
Kissin' adverbs: keenly; passively
Fucks attempted: 2
Fucks failed: 2
Unforgivable Curses: 0
Sicknasty burns: ludacris fools; mediocre dunces; ridiculous nitwits; stupid preppy fucker
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Postby SlateSlabrock (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 5:42 am

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.

Wait, didn't they literally just meet last chapter?
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 5:44 am

SlateSlabrock wrote:Wait, didn't they literally just meet last chapter?


Christ I missed that.

It's hard to tell if that's intentional or not because grammar is not the strong suit here.
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Postby Space Ghost (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 9:52 am

I’m bi and so is Ebony


I wonder if tara understands what bisexuality is
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Postby In West Fillydelphia (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 1:55 pm

I would love to meet Tara and get a bit of insight into the writing process behind this work. I'm curious about this image of Draco being disrobed and dragged through the school by the plotlines. Was this meant to be humorous? Were we meant to feel embarrassed for Draco? Also, airing dirty laundry in such a dramatic and public way really smacks of the Jerry Springer show.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:30 pm

Captain Sunshine wrote:
I wonder if tara understands what bisexuality is


I think she understands it on a conceptual level, as in a dude can get boners from sexy babes or from sexy dudes, but it seems to exclusively manifest as "hot guys who want to fuck the same hunks I do, but aren't unavailable to me" as she fetishizes them.

Or maybe Joel Madden and Gerard Way are just that hot.
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Postby Momo (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:35 pm

Captain Sunshine wrote:
I wonder if tara understands what bisexuality is

I think she believes that it's sexually transmitted. Since she's HAD SEX with Draco that would make her bi too.

At least that's the only moderately plausible explanation I can come up with.
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Postby Orange Fluffy Sheep (?) » Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:38 pm

It's also in the only paragraph from Draco's perspective in the entire story so it might just be another layer of systematic incompetence.
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