
when I was
a young boy
my father
took me to fanfic.net
and showed me my immortal
(if this fanfic is my most prized memory that I see when I die I will know I lived a life of only regrets exclusively)
AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!!!1111.
Her comments on Deathly Hallows explains something important about My Immortal. Oh uh spoilers for actually Harry Potter.
I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!!!!!1111
This would explain why she hates on Snape so much, thinking he secretly the main antagonist. Snape and Voldemort are never seen in the same scene in the present in My Immortal, in the present at least. It doesn't explain why she has them seperate in as much as Tom "Satan" Bombadil is called Voldemort consistently and coexists with Snap in the past.
nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111
she got this completely right though it's not the hardest thing to guess
omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it?? If dey don’t den JKR is hamophobic!!!!!111111
sorry, harry gets together with darkness (who is jenny) and Draco hooks up with Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. The only gay dude here is…………………………………………………….
Dumblydore!fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!!!111
Tara your friends have strange names
I sat depressedly in Dumbledork’s office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian.
That's all seven of them involved in the glock-touching from last chapter. I checked.
Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future.
Well... no shit? Didn't you go over this when he yelled at you during the first trip?
He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song.
“What da hell is this anyway??” he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn’t find out dat I was frum another time.
Why do you have a shitty Avril Lavigne song on there anyway
“Whatever u do don’t blame Ibony, u jerk.” Satan said.
“Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together.” Serious said deviantly.
I think she's taunting me deliberately.
“Be quiet you Satanists.” Dumbledore cockled. “If ur lucky I’ll probably send u all to Akazaban!!! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall.”
reasons to go to wizard jail:
attempted rape
being too goffik
being old, weak, and cancerous
fuckin'
He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n’Sync song.
why do you have an n'sync song on your ipod
Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn’t notece.
“You fucking poser.” I muttoned.
“I bet you’ve never herd of GC.” James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly’s tim machine!!!!!11
Well that's... convenient?! And muscular!?!? Why does Marty McFly's time machine have an N'Sync song on it?
“Shut up Jomes!!!” Drako’s dad shouted.
“Yeah shut up!!!!” Snake said preppily.
“No u shut up Dumblydore!!!!!!!!1111” said Tom.
“I’ve had enough of u Satanists in my school!!!!” shouted Dumbledore spuriously.
I can't believe it's taken this long for something to be done preppily.
Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. “Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8!!! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was……..Satan.
I'm not sure how this time machine works. Do you like casually inducing paradoxes by having people coexist? Why bring Snape in? At least he didn't make it so we can have a doublesnape.
“You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111” screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.
And Dumbledore is as affectual ever.
BTW This is the last time Hedwig and James are in the story. We're finally out of the past for good.
I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black.
Why did you outfit change?
“Hey kool where iz dis?” he asked in an emo voice.
“Dis is da future. Dumbeldore’s iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine.” I told him.
“Kool what’s an ipatch?” he whimpered.
“It’s somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music.” I yakked.
Satan is extremely chill about this for some reason.
He already knows the future so maybe this is nothing new to him.
“OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” he esked in his sexah voice.
“Um I guezz sand????” I laid confuesdly.
“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” He triumphently giggled.
...?
Is this a reference I don't get?
Didn't they do this bit earlier?
What's happeningnggn
Suddenly some of my friends walked in.
“OMG you’re fucking alive!” said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive.
"when I slit my wrists I went back in time" yeah sure that's how anything works, ever
“Konichiwa, bitch.” said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.
“Hey, motherfucker.” Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.
“Hey whose that, Ibony?” B’loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.
I'm glad every one of them gets an outfit description and goffs are as...
casual as ever with their greetings.
“Oh its Satan.” I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.
Suddenly Satan started to cry.
“Are you okay Satan?” we asked concernedly.
“OMFG ur from da future!!1! What if u don’t like m anymore koz were from difrent times?????” he asked.
“No I still like you.” I said sexily to him.
“Ok.” He said ressuredly.
RESOLVED I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod.
Teenagers is another song on
The Black Parade. Isn't it nice, at the endgame, to get an entirely album of music references?
I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!!!!!!!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.
oh my god we don't need to know what everyone is wearing at all times
“Oh my fucking god, where’s Draco!!!!111 How did Snap get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan.” I asked sadly.
why would he be in the caucus mountains again
why are you saying this to someone who was in the caucus mountains but mysteriously left
“Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can’t fucking die because you’re a vrompire.
she can't die in the past because she's from the present and she can't die in the present because she's a vampire
...
!?!??!?!?!?!
["]Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student.” Trevolry said reassuredly.
Well THANKS Britney.
How she had the means to free someone from Azerbaijan is beyond me.
“That bitch!!!!!!!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?” I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.
“Yes they are on the loose at this school.
Man it's
realliy easy to get out of there. Why were they worried about it at the start of the chapter again? Did the place deteriorate in the last 20-some years?
["]Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!!!!!!” Trevolry said worriedly.
Dumblydore is back from... where? Anyway the useless government that won't help is on its way. Great. We're on lockdown due to pedos. This will be x-tremely ignored.
“OK. But where’s Dracko???? How cum he was doing it with Snap?????”
“I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself.” she said.
Well that's something. Maybe we'll get the truth from him directly?
(no)"OMG dat’s terrible!!!!!!!!” I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn’t tell what was going on. Then I said “Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!!!!!!!!!” wiv dat I ran out.
“Good luck Tara!!!!!!!11” everyone cried.
in case you forgot for a second that she's not a blatant self-insert.
I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer.
Silent Hill doesn't have shit on My Immortal.
How a
scary ran sexily works is beyond me
On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.
“You fucking bitch!!!!!111” I shouted angrily.
“No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!” she laughed.
I don't know why Britney is such a major player suddenly. And she stops just as fast as she started:
“Crucious!!!!!!!!!1” I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.
“No!!!!!!1 Help me!!!!!!1 Please!!!!!!!!1” Britney screamed terrifiedly.
I put up my middle finger at her.
As immediately she gets torture-cursed. Dunk'd.
In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it.
Didn't you record it with an iPod? How do you have a tape of it? Why is putting Voldemort and Hedwig touching glocks that much better? Why does Britney even
have that?
Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. “OMG Vampira!!!!111” I yielded.
We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow.
Ok the iPod is one thing but this is too much Apple imo
His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!!!1)“I wus so worried you died!” moaned Vampire.
did GC do something in 2007 I don't care
“I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me.”
“Where’s Draco?” I asked spuriously.
Vampire will not question bringing Satan to the present.
“Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?” Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.
“I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM.” I SED SMARTY.
ah, irony, my favorite
“I’ll do it den.” Harry said angstily.
“OK.” I argreed.
glad that's resol
Suddenly……….all da lights in da room went out. And den…….da Dork Mark appeared.
“Oh my fucking satan!!!!!” Harry shouted.
“I fink Voldimort has arrivd.” I sed anxiously.
Shit's gettin'
serious “Fuck, I have to find Draco!!1 I guess we shood separate.”
“Ok.” Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.
Draco's missing, Voldemort's arrived, pedos are loose in the halls, and shit's going down! What's gonna happen next?
Well it'll be stupid regardless!
I was wearing & kin: 63*
strange adverbs: kiss keenly; kiss passively; cry wisely; shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly; nodded ENREGeticALLlY; sacredly I hopped inside; screamed sexily; frenching passively; smelled happily; passively we did it; cry all sexy and sexitive; shoot angrily (actually using firearms); loafing meanly; took out anvilly; jumped sexily into the penisve; giggled mistressly; laffed statistically; (had sex) sexily; went sexily to potionz class; beat [Hargrid] up sexily; jumped seductivly; took his cigar out sexily (literal cigar); jumped secxily in front of da bullet; asked gothikally; got up suicidally; sexily took a steak out; reassured suicidally; said preppily; shouted spuriously; screamed wisely; triumphently giggled; screamed terrifiedly; SED SMARTY
Oh my satans: 9
Windows broken: 1
Time Travel Paradoxes, Anachronisms, and Complications: fuck
Fucks attempted: 13
Fucks failed: 11
Unforgivable Curses: 7
great band names: Volsemort and Da Death Dealers; Fug and the Mystery of Magic; Alabastard; Cornelio Fuck and the Misery of Magic; James Almost Shot Luscious
Sicknasty burns: ludacris fools; mediocre dunces; ridiculous nitwits; stupid preppy fucker; dude-ur-so-retarded look; mean old man; horny simpletons; dispicable snobs; despicable preps; moronic idiots; fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich; fucking bustard; inlosent fools; ridiculus dondderhed; u fuking suk u preppy bastardl; you dunderheads