The Round Stable

(?) · by **Orange Fluffy Sheep** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:38 am

if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!

My Immortal is a song by Evanescence. It's okay, I ain't really an Evanescence person.

That's not what we're here for.

"I hath telekinesis," he answered cruelly.

My Immortal is a particularly infamous Harry Potter fanfiction posted in 2006 to fanfiction.net that stars original character Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. The basic premise is, she's in a love triangle with Draco and Harry who each vie for her affections, further complicated by Voldemort ordering her to kill Harry lest he kill Draco. That sounds simple. Well, this story was apparently written by a twelve-year-old. The plot meanders wildly and changes on apparent whims and involves time travel. It's very odd.

But perhaps the most striking aspect is the thick jelly layer of mall goth applied to everything by author Tara. Ebony is gothic as hell. Draco is gothic. Harry is so gothic he's called Vampire (though iirc not actually a vampire like Ebony and Draco (Ebony and Draco are also vampires for some reason)) and anyone the author likes is gothic and all the bad guys are preppy fuckers or if they look like goths and Tara doesn't like them they're posers.

Click for Fullsize
pictured: a stupid preppy fucker

Characters change names, the setting is blurry, character motivation is vague, people have sex and experience suicidal depression at apparent random, the very prose falls apart after Tara's proofreader quits the project, and things reach a climax that never pays off. But oh god do we get so many outfit descriptions.

So so many outfit descriptions.

And it's launched countless years of debate - is it legit? Is it a trollfic? What the fuck? God I love it.

If you'd like to experience it yourself audio-ishly, manwithoutabody did a dramatic reading of the whole thing. He tries really damn hard.

(?) · by **Orange Fluffy Sheep** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:39 am

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

This is the first bit of writing the reader sees. It is a fucking mess. Let me attempt to translate.

"Author's note: special fangs (get it, instead of "thanks", because I'm gothic) to my girlfriend (not in a gay way) Raven, bloodytearz666 [her fanfiction.net username] for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin, you are the love of my depressing life, you rock too! My Chemical Romance ROCKS!"

Justin is never mentioned again, just FYI.

Despite being named after an Evanescence song, the story focuses on male-led groups more, possibly because Tara thought the leads are hot.

dat guy is such a fokin sexbom!

My Chemical Romance is actually pretty good if you can stand the melodramatic subject matter. They're very competent musicians. Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys is more arena rock than Three Cheers or The Black Parade and no less well-executed if that's more your bag.

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

This is the first sentence of the story. It's all about Ebony describing herself. The classic appearance infodump of a bad story. The highlights are a hallmark of Mall Goth fashion, IMO, but that's only the tip of the iceberg there.

Amy Lee is the lead singer of Evanescence, the lady in the first pic in the OP, so you know who she is so you can stay the hell in of here if you want. Possibly the last time Evanescence comes up in the story.

[[I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.

Well that came out wrong, didn't it?

Gerard Way is the lead singer of My Chemical Romance and the guy in the picture just up there.

I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin.

Like she said. Ebony being a vampire comes up relatively frequently and matters very little if at all. This story is from 2006 so it's long before Twilight. Really the only difference is that she has a coffin for a bed. Somehow. Because:

I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen).

Ebony being a Hogwarts student is relevant, as she actually casts spells and stuff. I don't think she's actually older than Harry or Draco so this would set the story in 1998, at the same time as Deathly Hollows. Notably, not only was this written before Deathly Hollows was released but Tara admits at one point to be basing this entirely off the movies. Goblet of Fire was the most recent film as of the writing.

1998 is also too early for all of the music, but I'm pretty sure Tara does not care. Whatever. It's 2006. Everything shifted forwards somehow. This might make the time travel weird, whatever.

I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.

Uh huh. Mall Goth. A lot of Ebony and pals' gothness is based on wearing a lot of Hot Topic and wearing a lot of make-up and listening to emo music. It's so wrapped up in consumption that it makes the part where Enoby is a depressed Satanist kind of a footnote.

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

Our first I WAS WEARING! These happen a lot. I can't say Ebony has a tiny wardrobe. What I can say is that corset and miniskirt is kinda racy for a 17-year-old private academy student to be wearing in the middle of winter. Speaking of;

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.

It's winter. Time doesn't really pass so I guess all the events happen at some vague point in the winter.

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Well lady you're wearing a corset and miniskirt in the middle of a snowstorm so....

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

Ah, the Meet Cute. Can't you feel the sparks flying from them? God feel that romantic tension. It's a fucking cliffhanger right here.

So, a couple of times I have written back, possibly quite sharply, saying "You want to rethink your priorities here."

It's important to note he's supposed to be this, as this is how he's depicted in the films. Sort of related to how Snape is portrayed by a very sexy dude in the films when he's supposed to be a really creepy gaunt guy. TVTropes has an article called Draco in Leather Pants all about fandom's misaimed love of antagonists who are physically attractive. This is that in action.

J. K. Rowling on Draco fans wrote:It amuses me. It honestly amuses me. People have been waxing lyrical [in letters] about Draco Malfoy, and I think that's the only time when it stopped amusing me and started almost worrying me. I'm trying to clearly distinguish between [Draco's actor] Tom Felton, who is a good looking young boy, and Draco, who, whatever he looks like, is not a nice man.

As Draco is also a gothic vampire who loves all the same bands, he was changed before they even met cute.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

...

Well that's chapter one, anyway. We have 38 more to go, and it's only getting started. Strap in.

(?) · by **Yolostar** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:45 am

Why would you do this sheep?

(?) · by **Orange Fluffy Sheep** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:50 am

I have to.

(?) · by **Highbrow Dash** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:52 am

I read with some friends but I don't remember anything other that the fact that it's the best thing ever

You're doing god's work

(?) · by **Blarghalt** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:54 am

fukkin posers in the only real goff here

*converts to Arianism*

(?) · by **Corpy** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 3:03 am

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:My Chemical Romance is actually pretty good

*stops reading*

(?) · by **Stone Cold Jane Austen** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 3:07 am

The only person I've ever met who liked to talk about My Immortal was an obese gentleman with greasy hair, who wore a fedora with dragon or metal band t shirts. He smelled like bathing was as foreign a concept to him as religion

Basically, I think I met Reddit that semester

(?) · by **Stone Cold Jane Austen** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 3:09 am

People are so fascinating :flutterhat:

(?) · by **Orange Fluffy Sheep** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 3:16 am

Corpy wrote:*stops reading*

STOP FLASSING PREPZ OK FUK U

Unikitty wrote:The only person I've ever met who liked to talk about My Immortal was an obese gentleman with greasy hair, who wore a fedora with dragon or metal band t shirts. He smelled like bathing was as foreign a concept to him as religion

Basically, I think I met Reddit that semester

I can at least say my hair is not greasy as I shave it off regularly. And if I wore a band t-shirt it'd probably be Modest Mouse.

(?) · by **Perrydotto** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 4:25 am

I've read this fanfic ages ago, have since enjoyed quite a few dramatic readings and comics and it has not gotten old somehow

Can't wait for this thread to unfold, it's such a classic experience

Also please, while you should leave out the actually explicit stuff, please don't cut the best first character appearance in fanfiction (you know the one)

(?) · by **Momo** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 4:57 am

I have never read this but I am so on board.

(?) · by **SlateSlabrock** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 5:17 am

I'm disappointed that the "I was wearing" section didn't follow the traditional lazy writer's "I looked the mirror. I was x'x" tall and had (color) hair and wore a (blah). 'Lookin' good,' I thought to myself."

(?) · by **ToastGhost** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 5:34 am

how horrifying

(?) · by **Lazy** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 5:39 am

Orange Fluffy Sheep wrote:It's important to note he's supposed to be this, as this is how he's depicted in the films. Sort of related to how Snape is portrayed by a very sexy dude in the films

(?) · by **In West Fillydelphia** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 7:08 am

Confession:

In secondary school I was part of the "goth" scene.

It was quite vibrant in our city. Goths from all schools and colleges would congregate on a saturday at the town square. From there we'd have lolrandom adventures, or bring our accoustic guitars and play our most depressing tunes in drop D tuning.

When I was 12 I tried to smoke an incense stick. I was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a really tight slipknot shirt, with a chain as a belt. Just a normal chain like you'd find in your garden shed. I had "leather wristbands" on as well, because they were hxc, and I was too naive then to understand why these each had a D ring on them.

I could say more about my past, but it gets gross at times, so lets stop there.

(?) · by **ſpectralunicorn** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 7:20 am

my only relation to this fic is this tumblr post:

Imagine My Immortal but written in the style of Shakespeare.

SCENE 1. A MAGIC SCHOOL CALLED HOGWARTS IN ENGLAND

Enter ENOBY

ENOBY

For truth, that which the gods have christened me
Has many parts, like these locks, flow’n from my crown.
That hellish sound, which forms mine name, sprung from
The dusky shades of these roots, so like the stone
But broken, rent, mottled; for, like the flames
That hie from Hades, the dusk is split with peals
Of cold violet, the shade of icy fangs
Met with military scarlet; coils not
But hangs; not ragged, but lustrous, set off
Like a precious jewel made more pure by the
Barren winds of silent winter deserts,
So are not these jewels of mine own self-crown
Brought forth in splendour so close to these eyes
Frozen, as glaciers, forged by an artist
Who, bereft of artisan tools, gives himself
And sculpts his godly business with that
Which the muses draw blindly from his vision.
Thus sorrow, reflected twice in these mirrors,
Casting mine eyes as icy limpid tears.

Imagine Shakespeare but written in the style of My Immortal

Hi my name is Hamlet and I have long blond hair that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like the sun god Apollo (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to him but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. My mother married my uncle after my father died. I have pale white skin. I’m also a student, and I went to a school called Wittenberg in Germany but I just graduated. I’m a prince (in case you couldn’t tell) but I wear mostly black bc I’m in mourning. I For example today I was wearing a black doublet with matching lace around it and a black tights, white undershirt and black boots. I was with my mother and Horatio. We were standing inside Elsinore. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. My uncle Claudius stared at me. I put up my middle finger at him.

(?) · by **Lorce** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 9:14 am

Nobel Prize in Kawaii wrote:my only relation to this fic is this tumblr post:
Code: Select all
ENOBY For truth, that which the gods have christened me Has many parts, like these locks, flow’n from my crown. That hellish sound, which forms mine name, sprung from The dusky shades of these roots, so like the stone But broken, rent, mottled; for, like the flames That hie from Hades, the dusk is split with peals Of cold violet, the shade of icy fangs Met with military scarlet; coils not But hangs; not ragged, but lustrous, set off Like a precious jewel made more pure by the Barren winds of silent winter deserts, So are not these jewels of mine own self-crown Brought forth in splendour so close to these eyes Frozen, as glaciers, forged by an artist Who, bereft of artisan tools, gives himself And sculpts his godly business with that Which the muses draw blindly from his vision. Thus sorrow, reflected twice in these mirrors, Casting mine eyes as icy limpid tears.

I'm kinda disappointed in myself, thought this sounded like a Cradle of Filth song. I'll blame the thread theme :fluttershock:

(?) · by **!saak** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 10:17 am

this thread is making me nostalgia over a shitty fanfic

ofsheep: you are the forum's self flagellating monk on his way to godhood

(?) · by **Space Ghost** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 10:29 am

Yes. Good.

(?) · by **Caldera** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 11:58 am

I can't believe I'm feeling so nostalgic over a bad fanfic. Still, though, it takes me back. :v:

(?) · by **In West Fillydelphia** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 5:00 pm

I just started reading this. I think I came across this a long time ago, but holy crap I haven't laughed this hard in ages.

I just got to the ... you know what.

:v:

I would offer to do a live reading over livestream, but I imagine there's already some excellent videos of this stuff.

Also, "fangs" to all those who gave the author the good "reviows" needed to keep this story going. While it must have been hard to lie through your teeth, it's truly Gods work.

(?) · by **Orange Fluffy Sheep** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 5:46 pm

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

"Thanks to bloodytearz666 [Raven] for helping me with the chapter! By the way, preps stop insulting my story, ok?!"

Even from the word go the story was mocked, perhaps becaused it opened with Draco acting like a lovesick puppy over the world's most melodramatic hooker. These author notes keep escalating in intensity just as the flames do.

There's no real smooth way to communicate what "prep" entails. Imagine all those high school clique tropes, right? Every one of them that isn't the goths is under the prep umbrella, though for the practical purposes of this story it mostly covers the Popular Girl and The Jock tropes mixed in with some disdain for bubblegum pop. This is the height of Hillary Duff's career, and she is basically the Goldstein of Tara's two minutes hate.

Hillary fucking Duff; I hate that little bitch

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.

The logistical questions of how Ebony has an ebony wood coffin and easy access to human blood will never be answered. Imagine Ebony coming into the potion shop and asking for human blood and having to hit the entire Hogsmeade strip to find someone who will sanguinate her. Christ.

Oh, it's hot pink inside the coffin, just like her fishnet stockings last chapter. Keep that in mind. Just store it in the back of your brain, the part that stores my immortal factoids. Scientists have discovered you have an organ just for storing My Immortal factoids.

I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

The slow enroachment of band merchandise begins. MCR is clearly her favorite band but it's not the only group that she'll act as a billboard for. "I PUT ON" is "I WAS WEARING"'s cousin who basically means the same thing.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.

Ebony's editor of course gets to be a sexy gothic teenage babe in the story, because that's what friends do. Raven is also writing a story about a sexy gothic teenage babe falling in love with Draco that's concurrent with this. Ebony is in that story, but no one remembers it because Raven is a very dull writer compared to Ebony, and can actually spell.

She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"SHE PUT ON" and "SHE WAS WEARING" are "I PUT ON" and "I WAS WEARING"'s spouses. They act much the same. Marilyn Manson isn't as goff as the other groups Ebony likes, and in 2006 he was in the middle of his hiatus after his "farewell" best-of album. This does not seem to stop her.

Ebony later states she doesn't need foundation because of her extremely pale skin. I don't know. This thing isn't consistent.

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

So like Tara is not shy about swearing (this chapter has two fucks incoming, previous had one) so this bit of textspeak is really weird. Is it supposed to be Willow saying "oh my fucking god" really fast? Is it an aversion to saying god? No, because Ebony says "oh my fucking god" later in this chapter anyway!

Ebony can blush. Her vampire physiology is never clearly laid out. It'd be a detriment to the story if it fucking mattered and even if it were it'd be around 18th place, below "misapplication of the names of cats".

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed.

Everyone Tara likes is now in Slytherin.

“his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we’re in slytherine and we’re not preps.”

Not particularly because the characters are ambitious and resourceful - Ebony just wants to sleep with Draco and listen to music it seems - but because it's the house Draco's in and now it's some sort of gothic hellchamber.

Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

oh my god this romantic tension is fucking unbearable will they or won't they

A lot of the dialogue between the lovers in this story is either terse snippets or overblown declarations of longing. It might say something about how Tara views romance.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. “Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

Good Charlotte is another one of those emo pop punk bands from the early 2000s. The Chronicles of Life and Death was released in late 2004, for reference. I have not heard enough Good Charlotte to really have an opinion on them, sorry.

Though casually listening to Chronicles's eponymous track they ain't that great tbh.

(?) · by **kidcoelacanth** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:35 pm

I am locked onto this thread. Give it to me, Sheepman.

(?) · by **Orange Fluffy Sheep** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:41 pm

a twofer just because I love you, and because chapter 2 is the boringest one in the story

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

"STOP INSULTING THE STORY PREPS, OK?! Otherwise, thanks to the gothic people for the good reviews! Thanks again Raven! Oh yeah, by the way, I don't own this or the lyrics for Good Charlotte."

People are preppy or gothy entirely based on if they like or dislike the story. Gothicness has an incredible list of standards and failing even one means you lose in the purity drives, it seems. Otherwise, only other thing in here is the standard fanfic author disclaimer about rights, except misspelled.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

This is her third pair of fishnets in two days, what the hell.

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

okay um this is the awkward part of my immortal gawking, because behind all the surreal happenstances and confusing dialogue, there's things that get kinda real and not very fun

there are more than a few casual references to cutting in this story and while Ebony the character is immune to harm from it due to being a vampire, she's so blatantly an avatar for Tara the author that it's kind of unsettling.

indeed, a few points in her authors comments she threatens to cut herself if the flames don't stop, and if you know your mid-2000s internet trolls - 4chan was in its prime here, for example - that did jack shit to stop them. I only found out about this story years later and I've never seen the actual upload or its comment section, so I have no clue how much just goaded her on, as mid 2000's trolls are wont to do.

so if you ever feel the urge to harm yourself seek professional help and don't attempt to find solace in the comments section of your canonXoc harry potter fanfic wherein your avatar wears corsets more than she wears hats. after this one I'm going to actively not dwell on the references to self-harm mostly because it would really sour the mood if I did so.

I'm gonna stop being real here right quick huumph

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

Seriously where does she get all this human blood? Was the blood in the last chapter human blood? Or did she drink goldfish blood?

And here's her not wearing foundation. She wore it for all of, like, 6 hours. That's kinda wasteful.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"HE WAS WEARING" is "I WAS WEARING"'s estranged sibling. IIRC there's no "HE PUT ON" to match. There's a few defenses of men in make-up in this story, but I think it's rooted entirely in what Tara thinks is attractive.

The author's note is equal parts typo and slang. "A lot of cool boys wear it, okay?!"

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

Draco has the most ridiculous car in the goddamn universe.

Then….. he showed me his flying car.

Yeah like that's a flying car, that's pretty rad. But that car is very British middle class. Just seeing it parked wouldn't be exciting, it'd have to take off before it hit you.

“Dat’s mi car!!!!” shooted Draco angrily.

Oh yeah that'd already make panties melt. But shit son this one flies, and it has 666 on the plate. It's a flying black Mercedes-Benz with 666 on the front license plate. That would charm anyone with its sheer presence.

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

There are very casual references to smoking and to use of nonspecific drugs. It somehow never amounts to anything. But still, Ebony and Draco hype themselves up for the concert by doing cocaine in the flying satan car.

You know, I've just realized, why are several muggle bands playing in the wizarding town of Hogsmeade? You could just set it in like London and it'd work out rather well.

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

Then presumably she owns the lyrics to some other song. These are from The Chronicles of Life and Death off of the album The Chronicles of Life and Death.

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

Joel Madden is the lead singer of Good Charlotte, just FYI. Story refers to him and MCR singer Gerard Way by name rather frequently but never just says they're the leads of these bands. It's kind of obvious Tara expects you to know this already.

Draco is caught in a weird gray area of traditional masculinity and the emotional vulnerability of the emo scene. The story demands he at once be weak and strong. It's very very strange.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

Madden dating the equivalent of Osama bin Laden in Tara's eyes is sort of glossed over, actually. You'd think the penultimate in gothic manliness dating the ur-prep would hurt his cred but that's kind of ignored and it comes of very very strange.

Madden and Duff's relationship wouldn't last, as he's now married to former The Simple Life star Nicole Richie. Maybe he just likes stupid preppy fuckers.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees.

Benji is Joel Madden's brother and another GC member. Once again Tara expects you to somehow know this. IIRC this is the first and last time they drink any alcohol. The part where they're 17 is conveniently ignored. Much as how they're taking nonspecific drugs while driving and are about to get back to the car while high as shit on something and drunk. Maybe vampire physiology protects them, I dunno.

Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz

This is the single most evocative word choice in the entire story. Crawled. They came in high, moshed like motherfuckers, got drunk, and now they can't even stand up as they return to the flying satan car. It's beautiful. This concert really fucked them up. This is one of those times where you'd reminisce and you can't remember shit but that it felt good and you got a t-shirt.

but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

Rowling's favorite location with a name so evocative that it just instantly tells you everything you need to know about it.

They're gonna fuck in it.

(?) · by **!saak** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:50 pm

Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

he sure did

(?) · by **Blarghalt** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:51 pm

There's a joke in there somewhere about draco planting his seed in a forest but I'm too lazy to make it.

(?) · by **In West Fillydelphia** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:52 pm

Ah, Good Charlotte

In my preteen years I would fall to sleep listening to their first album in my portable CD player.

The best way of describing them is Blink 182 with added eyeliner.

They had a way of writing earworms that reached into topics that a youthful mind might find "deep" and "so true". Here's a selection of some of their lyrics to illustrate.

Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money.
Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny.

Lifestyles of the rich and the famous,
they're always complaining, always complaining.
If money is such a problem, well they got mansions
think we should rob them

It's a blunt way of saying what a lot of people feel now.

Christina, wouldn't wanna meet her.
She hates you Britney so you better run for cover.
My girl's a hot girl: a riot girl and she's taking on the world.

This was timed as Christina Aguilera had just started using her "dirrty" image.

The theme which binds many of their songs is this anti materialistic message, as well as promoting this raw and "real" image (which you can buy now at your local Hot Topic store). Their message could easily tie in with these "goff vs prep" ideas that seem to arise in Tara's work.

They also wrote a song called Hold On aimed at people considering suicide, which had a pretty basic "don't do it" message. At the time it was "so deep" and "a real inspiration to us all". Looking back it's kind of :vomitpony:

but if one person held back because of that song, then it's totally worth it.

Admittedly I was more into their first album, and the song Tara quotes later in the story is the title track from their second album, which I don't know so well.

(?) · by **Orange Fluffy Sheep** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:57 pm

A lot of the image captions are or are derived from My Immortal quotes. The only one that isn't so far is the one below Tom Felton, which is a later line in the interview with Rowling about Draco fans, describing the "I can change him!" mentality.

(?) · by **Blarghalt** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 7:00 pm

In West Fillydelphia wrote:
The theme which binds many of their songs is this anti materialistic message, as well as promoting this raw and "real" image (which you can buy now at your local Hot Topic store).

Since around 2009 or so, pretty much every Hot Topic I've seen has undergone a major renovation so they look like any retail normal clothing store but with lots of black and red. It's a got kids and a mortgage now.

(?) · by **In West Fillydelphia** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 7:07 pm

Blarghalt wrote:
Since around 2009 or so, pretty much every Hot Topic I've seen has undergone a major renovation so they look like any retail normal clothing store but with lots of black and red. It's a got kids and a mortgage now.

OC Incorporated since 2009.

I really can't talk though. I am guilty of having owned a pair of these

(?) · by **kidcoelacanth** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 7:08 pm

does ebony drink her own blood maybe, she seems to have an abundance outside of her

(?) · by **In West Fillydelphia** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 7:14 pm

Blarghalt wrote:
Since around 2009 or so, pretty much every Hot Topic I've seen has undergone a major renovation so they look like any retail normal clothing store but with lots of black and red. It's a got kids and a mortgage now.

I just looked at their website.

Dammit, Hot Topic used to be edgy. What happened :gonkity:

Also, Galaxy printed leggings are so 2013

(?) · by **Pocket** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 10:26 pm

In West Fillydelphia wrote:Dammit, Hot Topic used to be edgy. What happened

Edgy isn't "in" anymore, is what

(?) · by **Perrydotto** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 10:31 pm

I still dress pretty "metal" and "goth" tbh and ain't ashamed of it either

(?) · by **londonarbuckle** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 10:34 pm

Will this be funny to me if I don't know anything about harry potter?

(?) · by **Orange Fluffy Sheep** (?) » Sun Sep 20, 2015 10:41 pm

londonarbuckle wrote:Will this be funny to me if I don't know anything about harry potter?

Well 94% of what I know I learned in direct relation to My Immortal so yeah.

Trust me, we're winding up. This is the climbing action. It slams the pedal to the metal next chapter and right as that starts to wear off it fucking loses its mind forever.

(?) · by **Orange Fluffy Sheep** (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 2:32 am

Before My Immortal was just a bad story. Really bad, but not excitingly bad. It wouldn't be notable if it continued on its way. But here's the first sign that My Immortal is something special.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!

This is the first instance of the infamous Enoby typo. It's one of the major things that people remember about this story, along with this chapter's ending.

"Gee, golly, gosh, gloriosky," thought Mary Sue as she stepped on the bridge of the Enterprise. "Here I am, the youngest lieutenant in the fleet - only fifteen and a half years old."

Obviously the flamers have noticed by now that Ebony is a textbook Mary Sue. Tara thinks they're naming her Mary Sue. She'll quickly realize it's referring to the archetype and start disputing it then. But basically yes no matter how you define Mary Sue, Ebony probably fits in it. But we'll come back to that when the defenses happen.

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

That normally snotty social-ladder-climbing wizard racist shitheel Draco is now an emo is a pretty obvious sign something is wrong beyond just Ebony herself, frankly.

“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

There's nothing really here just the wind-up because it starts crashing down next chapter.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

Unless I'm mistaken normally Draco has blue eyes because he's aryan as hell to fit the racism metaphor of the pure-blood wizard/muggle thing. Tara later clarifies Ebony herself is a pureblood witch, as much as a vampire can be I guess.

These kids are little edgelords in that they're all apparently evil but really just spend their time moping and only do things when pushed by outside forces. They are very sad though, and not necessarily the "unhappy" kind.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.

....just as you what? Suddenly in chapter 4 (of 44) the will-they-or-won't-they tension instantly evaporates as, yes, they will. This is the first of many strange descriptions of kissing. Keenly is not a word I'd use to describe kissing, no. I'm not even sure what that would mean. Are they waggling their eyebrows? Are they stabbing each other with their razor-sharp tongues?

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.

...took what of your top his clothes and your bra?

Okay so My Immortal is also infamous for being kinda lemon-y. After their first date where they did drugs and got drunk and otherwise so wasted they had to crawl back to the car, Ebony realized he's cruel and sad and thus they're already getting naked.

I don't know much about love triangles admittedly but I think it loses impact when one of em already knows where the pinball machine is before the other guy is even introduced.

Okay now here's for the shockingly explicit sex.

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

If your squeamish about sex, then you should not read this, since this story is a REAL LEMON and there is a lot of that, heavily detailed.

This is the technical extent of the erotica. There's the idea of what the basics of sex are but beyond that it's a haze and euphemized to hell to the point where "and then they fucked" would be much clearer. This is not the last, and it somehow manages to get dumber.

Anyway, time for the best character entrance in history:

And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

Dumbledore just cockblocks while dropping the mic. He's wandering around the Forbidden Forest for no discernible reason, finds two students not only trespassing but boning, and just fucking loses it.

Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts sort of the "big good" of the Harry Potter books driving Harry himself to be good, is ostensibly an antagonist in this story, in that he doesn't let Ebony & pals just have whatever stupid escapades they want and is pissed off with them pretty much constantly. He's actually the real protagonist as he is the most relatable character - he's just tired of this nonsense.

And the beauty of his introduction is why we love him so much.

(?) · by **Fontra** (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 4:38 am

This is extremely in-character for Dumbledore.

(?) · by **Fontra** (?) » Mon Sep 21, 2015 4:40 am

Dumbledore will be played by Samuel L. Jackson in my dream Harry Potter.

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MY IMMORTAL: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

MY IMMORTAL: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

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